Catchy Name News

I like to imagine the little “plop!” sound Link makes when he dies in the original Legend of Zelda as him yelling “FUCK!”. It adds a nice accent to it that I feel is otherwise missing.

I have Assassins Creed Brotherhood, Dragon Ball Z Ultimate Tenkaichi, and Metal Gear Solid Peace Walker to play right now, and what game do I choose to play? Chrono Trigger. Again.

Metal Gear Solid 3 has perhaps the most stunning, inspiring ending of any game I’ve ever played.

You kids are so lucky these days. When I was in high school you had to waste money on games like WoW to find out they’re dog shit.

After years of progress and hundreds of hours of play, I have FINALLY beaten Netflix on my Xbox 360.

Tecmo Bowl predicts that the Giants will win, 72-0, against the Patriots. However, in the interest of fairness, I must mention that in Tecmo Bowl the Giants’ defense revolved around Lawrence Taylor, so unless he comes out of his 20 year retirement this prediction may not be valid.

Dear West Side Realty of Transylvania,

I just wanted to thank you, and especially your agent, Tammy Belnades, for showing us around properties around town. We’re definitely interested in the larger house Tammy showed us last; she referred to it as “Castlevania”. We think we’re interested in buying!

However, we do have a few issues with the the property that would like to get settled before making any agreements. First, we were unable to find a laundry room in our visit. Tammy assured us the house had thousands of rooms, so needless to say, we were a bit surprised. I realize the castle is nearly 1000 years old, but we can’t be expected to make the hour-long drive into town to do laundry.

Second, the house appears to be filled with unknowable horrors from beyond our worst nightmares. Obviously, this is an issue for us. In the 8 minutes we spent touring the house before fleeing in terror, we were attacked by werewolves, zombies, ghosts, demons, and what appeared to be the Frankenstein’s Monster. My wife was nearly devoured by a snake-headed creature which I believe to have been Medusa, a creature of Greek myth (well, I had presumed the creature to be mythological, though I now have my doubts). As we fled, between bouts of screaming and praying for holy protection, Tammy informed me that the house’s previous owner, who I understand is apparently Dracula (a terrifying literary and film monster), rises from the dead every 100 years to rid the Earth of human flesh. While Tammy assured me that this would not be an issue, and provided me with the number to some sort of a vampiric -exterminator, I suppose?- whose family, she said, had “been fighting Dracula for centuries”. Tammy assures me that she has a longstanding family history with this person, but I was unable to find a Better Business Bureau rating for “Julius Belmont”, and I feel a bit wary taking her word on such a serious potential problem.

Finally, I’m a bit concerned about the school district the property is in. The castle doesn’t seem to appear on any maps, and when I told the townspeople that I was considering moving into Castlevania and asked about the local schools, I was generally met with horrified reactions. Some of them screamed or wailed in terror, while others screamed at me in Romanian and tried to put a curse on me. One old man tried to stab me in the heart with a wooden stake. I would like some sort of information packet on local public and private schools, if possible.

Those problems aside, I’m very interested in this property, particularly after my wife was forcibly taken by the townspeople and burned at the stake for witchcraft. It’s almost as though the property calls out to my very soul, which makes it hard to resist. It also has a great backyard (perfect for barbecues!) and a huge basement that just SCREAMS “man cave!” I hope you can clear up these problems for me.

Fare thee well,

V. Tepes

I just want to take a moment to run through a few of the reasons I love video games.

Thank you, video games…

… for allowing me to say “argh, fucking MANTICORES” on a daily basis.

… for making the phrase “I have a kill count of well over 1000” not just for serial killers anymore.

… for letting me terrorize civilians and blow up entire cities and still be lauded as a hero for killing a villain who hadn’t actually done anything yet.

… for chainsaws; that is all.

… for giving me the opportunity to prove that Batman can win every fight he has exclusively with glide kicks.

… for teaching me it’s okay to consider assassinating members of the evil, world-dominating secret society that threatens my life and everything I’ve worked for and collecting a whole bunch of feathers to be equally important goals.

… for considering a skintight, incredibly revealing thong bodysuit to be more appropriate battlewear for a woman than, you know, armor.

… for making otherwise-normal people argue about which was better, a fat plumber or a blue hedgehog, with the type of zeal usually reserved for religious beliefs.

… for teaching me that iron is stronger than wood, steel is stronger than iron, silver is stronger than steel, gold is stronger than silver, and mythril could fall pretty much anywhere in there.

… for giving me challenges I haven’t been able to overcome even with 20 years of experience.

… for allowing me to come home from a day of repetitive tasks at work to relax by doing even more repetitive tasks.

… for Doctah Wahwee.

… for teaching me enough to pretend I know anything about sports.

and, in a more maudlin sense…

for being a large part of making me who I am today.

Feel free to add your own thank you notes.